demon badger gnome

i'm little miss sunshine

You told me you had never met a girl who thinks the same way you do.
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Now all I can think about is you at a party telling someone else the same thing.

The weight of it all. You told me we didn't need parallel structure or pomp or circumstance. But I wanted to keep going forward, the endless promise of totally knowing someone. The voyage, tessellating your past and my present and our future to create the mosaic that is a single timeline. Incorporating that second left over you didn't use up and culminating in a room with a view full of sharp corners that will never keep clean. It is something non-existent, yet huge all the same. Always there, yet it goes by quickly. Then ending, leaving you feeling friendless. Nothing you won't comprehend someday with time. But for now you sit there, never placing a personal ad, inanimate, and wrapped up in the then. Where they chant, so sure of themselves, you'll find someone new. But you miss the two people who learned enough just from thinking in and around one another. 

Speed bumps
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I don't get sad when people talk about how good things are going in an aspect of their lives where, conversely, I am finding some trouble. I don't get mad when people complain about heartbreak or pain or disappointment in an area of life where I am experiencing a similar, yet by my own humble evaluation slightly more severe, downfall. I do get sad when people stop abruptly and apologize for "rubbing it in my face." I do get mad when these complainers claim to feel my pain acutely and deeply and in the exact same manner.

Am I allowed a speed bump all my own? Can I have a problem to myself that is not comparable to your success or failure? Just my own little pet regret that I can show off at show and tell without you grabbing a limb for... what? Good luck?

Now I know I have most definitely complained and bragged with the best of them totally disregarding the feelings of whoever I was speaking with in the past more times than I could ever count. I'm positive they were people I truly care about too. It is hard to consider how every word can influence whatever someone is going through at the time and it is overwhelming to think you have that kind of power.

I guess I would rather my problems be small enough that the people I talk to are able to divide their attention and continue to view it as an opportunity to segue into a conversation about themselves. It is the actual bad stuff that leaves you numb and thoughtless and only able to react physically, pacing or hugging or crying.

I am so very much a believer in the idea that everyone deserves good things to happen to them so of course I can never truly get upset when my friends beam about their accomplishments or happy relationships or positive experiences of any kind. It is honestly just how it is framed as an involuntary response in spite of their pity for me. No one likes pity, it is one of the few really useless emotions up their with guilt and hate. As for the augmentation of one's own problems to match those of anyone else one might come into contact with, I usually just allow the conversation to navigate towards the other person's baggage and accept his or her claims in word and deed. No one likes pity but everyone needs acknowledgement to keep away the crazy self-doubt that creeps in at night.

I Crave
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1. Stir-fry from the Max
2. A technology-less day in the woods.
3. Learning new words.
4. My high school locker.
5. The company of people I shared memorable or significant experiences with and then never saw again.

What I really want to say
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I think my whole life might just be a dream. Reality is probably just an illusion but I still fear consequences and guilt more than anything else. I'm afraid it is too late to make something important or make a difference in the world. I love reading out loud to someone I care about, or being read to by someone I care about. If you can read to me and make me feel the words, I am yours. I feel as though I have been everywhere there is to be in the world but I know that I have only seen a very small percentage of what this planet has to offer. I believe that lying is noble if the end justifies the means. I prefer brief, fleeting moments of joy to long sustained periods of happiness. I look forward to hellos and goodbyes so much I sometimes lose track of what is in between.

I devote myself to
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1. Supporting people I care about
    Listening to them and really understanding their fears and the things they hate, not just the good feelings.
2. Sunrises and sunsets
    Waking up early and going to the beach to get a front row seat. The idea that each day starts and ends so consistently and so beautifully is amazing.
3. Crying
    I make crying a religious experience, breaking out the tissues and blaring The Smiths. So cathartic. 
4. Going to cemeteries 
    I walk though graveyards and look at each headstone individually. I really think about the people who have lived and died and ended their journey in this place.
5. Walking my dog
    Watching his little legs running through high grass life seems infinite and infinitesimal at the same time.

Prayer
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Prayer Is

1. A silent wish to grow, intertwine with the things that are good and be kept away from the things that are evil.
2. A petition to grow up the way you want to grow up.
3. A thought that warms all of you.
4. A desperate plea to find the part of you that is missing.
5. The words you think when you aren't actively thinking.
6. An impossible request.
7. At the service of falling in love, a ritual in hopes of getting what you can't have.
8. The name of someone lovely you have just met.
9. The wind on a beautiful day.

Pray Isn't

1. A poem that means nothing.
2. Recited words written by an institution.
3. Righteous or full of vengeance.
4. A greedy request to have more of what you already possess. 
5. A dream that flies away from you, revealing something you do not truly feel.
6. A list of the things you already have that you are grateful for with no other form of questioning or dialogue.
7. Something you do in public.
8. Uninformed or willfully ignorant.
9. The decisions of powerful people.

The bravest moments of my life were
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When I tried to do something beautiful and succeeded. When I tried something new that made me insecure. When I did something that didn't agree with my idea of who I am as a person. When I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of someone else. When I thought less about what people might think about me and more about doing what I wanted to do. When I reached out to a friend I thought I had lost forever. When I stopped comparing myself to others and starting comparing myself to me. When I showed a part of me that I was ashamed or embarrassed of to people who mattered. When I embraced my flaws and learned to love them.

I want to say yes to
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Everything. Meeting someone in a coffee shop, making a stupid decision that will end painfully, giving someone a hug, writing someone a letter, listening to a new song, running into somebody's arms, going for a walk, leaving people alone, kissing somebody on the forehead, doing work that needs to be done, going out to eat, making a new friend, going someplace crowded and loud, taking a life changing class, reading a book I know I will hate, facing an old friend I haven't seen in years, talking to someone wiser than me, sleeping next to someone I care about. 

I wanna show the world
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1. That the uncommon is lovely and nothing deserves to be lost forever.
2. That I'm no longer afraid of myself or the parts that make me.
3. The town I grew up in and the things in it that made me who I am.
4. That my mother is a really great person. 
5. My name and how much I love when people I care about say it. I just love hearing the syllables on their lips.
6. That I can protect myself. I am stronger than I let on.
7. How well I can snap in hopes that the world will teach me how to whistle in return.
8. That different, and sometimes even wrong, can be beautiful. Pronouncing words wrong can add character.
9. How good I am at fixing broken things and putting them back together.
10. That smiling, beautiful and genuine smiles, has the power to make things just a little bit better.

Ask and ye may or may not receive
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1. I want to surround myself with old memories that have been lost over the years and a cup of tea.
2. I want to be genuine in everything I do and say. I want to be certain of my feelings.
3. I want to stop being judgmental and spend my time just being, instead of criticizing.
4. I want to possess someone; bewitch them mind, body and soul.
5. I want to hear a song everywhere I go. Have it follow me and change me, make me see things differently.

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