demon badger gnome

i'm little miss sunshine

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Speed bumps
I don't get sad when people talk about how good things are going in an aspect of their lives where, conversely, I am finding some trouble. I don't get mad when people complain about heartbreak or pain or disappointment in an area of life where I am experiencing a similar, yet by my own humble evaluation slightly more severe, downfall. I do get sad when people stop abruptly and apologize for "rubbing it in my face." I do get mad when these complainers claim to feel my pain acutely and deeply and in the exact same manner.

Am I allowed a speed bump all my own? Can I have a problem to myself that is not comparable to your success or failure? Just my own little pet regret that I can show off at show and tell without you grabbing a limb for... what? Good luck?

Now I know I have most definitely complained and bragged with the best of them totally disregarding the feelings of whoever I was speaking with in the past more times than I could ever count. I'm positive they were people I truly care about too. It is hard to consider how every word can influence whatever someone is going through at the time and it is overwhelming to think you have that kind of power.

I guess I would rather my problems be small enough that the people I talk to are able to divide their attention and continue to view it as an opportunity to segue into a conversation about themselves. It is the actual bad stuff that leaves you numb and thoughtless and only able to react physically, pacing or hugging or crying.

I am so very much a believer in the idea that everyone deserves good things to happen to them so of course I can never truly get upset when my friends beam about their accomplishments or happy relationships or positive experiences of any kind. It is honestly just how it is framed as an involuntary response in spite of their pity for me. No one likes pity, it is one of the few really useless emotions up their with guilt and hate. As for the augmentation of one's own problems to match those of anyone else one might come into contact with, I usually just allow the conversation to navigate towards the other person's baggage and accept his or her claims in word and deed. No one likes pity but everyone needs acknowledgement to keep away the crazy self-doubt that creeps in at night.


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