demon badger gnome

i'm little miss sunshine

Evil Is

1. A stupid, drunk man yelling at his girlfriend and calling her a bitch for no reason as she looks away and tries not to cry.
2. The infectious, toxic part in some people's brains that persuades them to take their own lives.
3. Finding out about or seeing someone do something they regret and telling everyone they know; defining them by one uncharacteristic act.
4. Abuse of power, using title and position to make life worse for those without the power to do anything about it.
5. Taking from the powerless and giving to the powerful, in any dimension.
6. People leaving their loved ones and the life that depends on them simply because they are unhappy, instead of making an effort to change things.
7. Killing.

Evil Isn't

1. Saying or doing something you regret. As long as you feel remorse and  apologize sincerely. Learn from your mistakes.
2. The beautiful part of some people's brains that looks past the ordinary and finds art in the everyday. The idea that life is greater than itself; more wonderful than what we see and do. 
3. Being the kind of person and friend who can tell someone about something they don't want to hear. Sacrificing personal happiness to do the right thing for someone else.
4. When you work hard for something important and show appreciation for everything that helped you get there once you reach your goal. Understanding the complexities of power and achievement.
5. Loving someone who left you and understanding their weakness and pain. 
6. The willingness to risk your life to protect the people you love. 

I would literally chop off my little toe for
1. The ability to track down the person who is my perfect match
    Someone who thinks the same way as me and listens the way I do and understands EXACTLY what I mean when I say it, without the need of any further explanation. 
2. The ability to shape shift
    Honestly I would probably just use this power to spoon comfortably and sleep on airplanes without cup holders getting in my way.
3. The power to never feel pain
    My nervous system would still work entirely but I would not be able to feel real pain, if I were to cut myself of stub my toes (the nine I would have left, that is).
4. Inspiring musical talent
    Badass shedding capabilities on guitar, the power to write a song that would make other people think about their lives, to play piano in a way that would make people fall in love.
5. The option to never sleep
    Accompanied by a perfect schedule that is incredibly productive and completely devoid of the distractions caused by slumber, unless I choose to partake.

A Soul Mate
A Soul Mate Is

1. Someone who shows you all the things you are doing right.
2. Someone who wants you anywhere, anytime, any way (mentally, physically, emotionally).
3. Someone you associate the seasons with.
4. Someone you think about when you are alone.
5. Someone who puts in the effort to get you; understand the things that make you happy and sad.
6. Someone who would change for you but shouldn't have to.
7. Someone who understands, or tries to understand, you when you make no sense, even to yourself. 

A Soul Mate Isn't

1. Someone who doesn't push you to do better.
2. Someone who will stop wanting you after they get what they want from you (mentally, physically, emotionally).
3. Someone who monopolizes a part of your life; all of your life.
4. Someone who insists that you think about them even when you don't want to or you think about when you are trying to do something or be with other people.
5. Someone who makes you happy or sad on their own terms. Someone who manipulates your emotions without regards to consequences. A soul mate definitely doesn't do that.
6. Someone who thinks change is impossible.
7. Someone who gets frustrated when you have trouble communicating. Another big one.

Where's Olive?
I would love to write down exactly where everything I find important can be found so I never have to waste time looking ever again. I would also never have to waste time organizing. Who defines what is organized and what is not ? If my method is effective then what does it matter if it is "unorganized" ? How are things like making movies, running the government or building pianos regulated in a way that eliminates human error? Can human error ever be eliminated? Fuck, people fly planes. We trust imperfect human beings to operate giant machinery in midair. Organization is what stands between methodology and peace of mind. The organization of these processes to a point where there is little possibility of failure. But the possibility is still there. Even with all the organization in the world we could still fail and our method could be rendered ineffective. We could lose what we love, we could lose lives, and everything we thought to be true could get thrown out the window.

non-physical traits that turn me on
1. Caring about other people
    Noticing little details and finding the good in things. Also, protecting people from the bad.
2. Being able to overcome pain
Instead of wallowing, going out into the world and doing something to feel better.
3. Taking joy in the little things
Getting really excited when a cute dog walks by or when reading about a new and interesting scientific discovery. 
4. Taking charge
Being a leader and not just in title alone, but by doing what needs to be done.
5. Trying new things
    Taking suggestions and advice into account and really making an effort to change for the better.

Happiness Is

1. Finding something you thought you lost.
2. Enjoying something fully; the sight, feel, smell, taste, and sound of something.
3. Bonding with people you love after something bad happens.
4. Learning something that was challenging at first.
5. Getting something you wanted.
6. Thinking about yourself first from time to time.
7. Thinking about others too.
8. Looking into somebody's eyes and having them look back.
9. Dancing with somebody special.
10. Overcoming pain.
11. Loving something you can keep.

Happiness Isn't

1. Losing something you were using.
2. Finding out something wasn't what you thought it was.
3. Being forced and expected to entertain people you don't know or like or understand.
4. Doing well but not feeling like you earned it.
5. Getting something you didn't work for.
6. Feeling selfish, or having someone call you selfish.
7. Feeling responsible for other people's happiness.
8. Wishing and hoping somebody will notice you and when they finally do, it isn't what you imagined it would be.
9. Never being asked the question you have the perfect answer for.
10. Loving something that isn't real and that never can be real.

when i look deep in my eyes
I see what other people see when they are seen by me. Because I look at people the way I look at myself in the mirror. Mostly with love, but sometimes with derision. I want to know what people think when they look me in the eyes. My pupils eat up my irises hungrily when I am looking at people I love. I wonder how other people's pupils react to looking at me. I love looking into people's eyes when I speak to them. I want to be able to tell what they are like when they are alone, looking deep into their own eyes in the mirror and asking these same questions.

I Want to:
1. Take a half an hour shower
2. Peel off all my skin and grow a new one
3. Touch someone so deeply that I feel like I know all of them.
4. Change someone for the better.
5. Feel like the things I am good at are the best things to be good at.
6. Earn something for what I do that makes me feel comfortable in my abilities.
7. Learn something after being challenged to do so at first.
8. Be someone's favorite person.
9. Get excited to see people on the street.
10. Figure out my reason for being.
11. Smile at everyone I see.
12. Have fun when I am all by myself, just getting ready in the morning.
13. Figure out someone else's reason for being and find out how I can help them to be.
14. Be all about, downright obsessed with something and tell everyone I know how I feel.
15. Get upset less. But when I do get upset, get really, really angry and let it all out. Don't hold back.

Sometimes I disappear for long periods of time but you can always reach me somehow. There is no excuse for losing touch with me because I am a pretty open book. Sometimes I feel like I lend myself to being the odd duck; the third wheel. I don't mind it until people start to commemorate memories I was present for as if I weren't there. As if I never existed. As if I disappeared for real. As a person who can disappear from time to time, I like to think that the moments I am there for mean something. The idea that someone could reconstruct their own memory to not include me is unnerving. What could I possibly have done to offend someone so much that they would reimagine their lives without me? I try to believe that I have a positive influence on the places I have been and the people I have known. That being said, I am often afraid to be vulnerable enough to put myself out there, into other people's memories. But sometimes I try. I try really hard.

You Are Mistaken
I take a step. A dune slides:
grains weaving an intricate and tumbling
three centuries of dancing, sparking in the
your absence, almost as strong as your presence
next to me
your grip too tight to pull away from as you lean in
& whisper love inaudible but sweet
I cannot reply, arms like guard rails
on a balcony
I let the postcard sink into the tumbling
I am a coward; I cannot face you with the
sand rushes off in every direction I displace, like me
you said
Her flawless features can be found in the constellation, power
& truth
I can stop the tide from turning and the tumbling dance without the power
you meant
your guard rail arms release me and i fall happily,
but I fear
still I fear
you are mistaken


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